I just saw Illy off as they brought Jaen in. Covered in bandages, black and blue. They left him in my care. I have no idea what happened but I had never been so scared. Not even when -everything- scared the shit out of me. So I will stay by his bedside like I had been. I know he hates being weighted on. I can see the building frustration in his face. But he will know there is a time for war and a time for healing. I love being able to be there for him.
On the other hand apparently I am a fucking child. I don't take orders as I should. I'm a smart ass, hard headed, fiery,bad mouthed child. A problem child at that. I fucked up. Bad. I made several people very angry over a dumb stunt. Even worse I have such a headache. Stupid fucking log had to be there. I hope I didn't wake up Jaen with my pitiful sobbing. I need to grow up. I am coddled. Illy comes to my defense at every turn. She has so much to do and she was still there for me. I am so selfish. I made Mel angry. He left because of that stupid joke. I thought it would be funny. Am I turning into someone who can't be depended upon. Is that why Xyn sent so many with me on such an easy mission? I don't think I will ever be able to prove myself. I have fucking issues I think. Like....I don't know. Something wrong with how I act from growing up on my own.
I just wanted to laugh. I wanted to make others laugh. Next time I will just throw myself in the water. Is this why nobody laughs anymore? Are the consequences just...too much for them? We are all going to snap. I need to get Jaen back in shape so I can leave. Just like everyone else seems to be doing.
My stomach hurts.
On the other hand apparently I am a fucking child. I don't take orders as I should. I'm a smart ass, hard headed, fiery,bad mouthed child. A problem child at that. I fucked up. Bad. I made several people very angry over a dumb stunt. Even worse I have such a headache. Stupid fucking log had to be there. I hope I didn't wake up Jaen with my pitiful sobbing. I need to grow up. I am coddled. Illy comes to my defense at every turn. She has so much to do and she was still there for me. I am so selfish. I made Mel angry. He left because of that stupid joke. I thought it would be funny. Am I turning into someone who can't be depended upon. Is that why Xyn sent so many with me on such an easy mission? I don't think I will ever be able to prove myself. I have fucking issues I think. Like....I don't know. Something wrong with how I act from growing up on my own.
I just wanted to laugh. I wanted to make others laugh. Next time I will just throw myself in the water. Is this why nobody laughs anymore? Are the consequences just...too much for them? We are all going to snap. I need to get Jaen back in shape so I can leave. Just like everyone else seems to be doing.
My stomach hurts.
