I tolerate a lot of shit from people. I know I can appear a little naive but I watch, and I listen and I prefer they don't know how serious I really am. Who would expect such an optimistic, cheerful, mannerless, dainty to walk up behind you and slit you from ear to ear? I have yet to truely prove myself to people since the accident. I haven't touched a bow in months, almost years. I wonder if Jaen would of fallen for the old me? The quieter stoic tanned goddess of the forest. Ok maybe I'm overstating it a bit. Just because I prefer to get up close and slice into my enemy personally, doesnt mean I have changed that much? Sure I am a bit bolder but I like to think that I have earned my due respect in the battlefield. Hell I got hurt in a battle for lights sake.
So much of what I'm turning out to be has tons to do with my sweet handsome Jaen. I feel like I have to hide part of who I am in a sense. Does he realize I have killed hundreds....THOUSANDS of men and women. No children...I can thank the light I have never had to harm someone too innocent to know any better. Am I proud of this? Do i walk around strutting it like a chicken? No but sometimes people forget I am not as young as I come off. Were getting married and really, what does he know about me?
It's not Jaen I'm mad at really. Am I mad? I think I'm mad. I am mad at the Vanguard. At the people around us. How they treat Jaen. Have they opened their eyes lately? He carries me everywhere? He wears clunky heavy plate armor. All those fancy metals the veterans make their armor out of is magical and light. Do none of them remember what it was like when they were wet behind the ears?
Why am I whining? Oh because I can this is my journal. I love Jaen I am the luckiest woman in the world. I just...I dunno. What do I do? If I stick up for him like I would a comrade would I emasculate him? Calthos is already such a dick to him. I don't help things. Apparently my wit isn't very timely. But what do I do about him? I have every bit of faith that he is capable enough now to at least travel the world. But I still can't stop worrying. I hide it, man I hide it good. If I didn't have my archeology i would quite possible go mad.
I wonder where wolfy is now. Fuck I hate her new name. I should think of something better and make it catch on. Agent....something. Agent Wolf. Wolf is too generic. Agent....hmmm....Pepper? Agent Pepper! Ha ha ha. Maybe. I wonder if Xyn told her I was engaged? I wonder when all this stuff with her is going to end? I would really like it if she could go to my wedding. Do I even want a wedding? What if we just...got married? I need to talk to Jaen. Oh my Jaen. I haven't seen him since his Bro time with Utani. I was right not to follow him but fuck if i got no sleep. I cant keep doing this. It's not fair to him or me. But mostly him. It's like showing I don't have any faith in his ability to stay out of trouble.
I need to find that man and talk to him. In fact where is my stone.
