Mel is safe. Illy is safe.
Those sons of bitches.
I don't think I'm asking too much. I have known these two for awhile. Never changing. However I still love them. They are my family so to speak. The only time I ever truly felt home, and welcomed.
But..what if I am asking too much? What if it is physically impossible for them to share whats going on. I mean Illy doesn't even tell Xyn anything! How can they not talk? I mean. Had Xyn not talked to Illy at all? I know he's a busy man but fuck...
I decided something tonight. I will tell Jaen everything. The truth. All the time. Whatever her asks. I can only hope that when the answer is something he doesn't like he will still respect me for telling him. I've been coddling him. I don't want to be his mother I want to be his wife. Maybe i need to see if he can endure hard love. Take him on a few real hunting trips. Time to get Jaens feet wet. Maybe this is how I can prove I'm ready for more responsibility in the Vanguard. When we recruited that Astirian I sort of saw how unorganized we were. It was....embarrassing. I think there is just too much for Xyn to do right now. I mean who are the new officers since the others deserted?
I have a surprise for Jaen. I hope my recordings turned out ok. I tried to stay as still while beating the crap out of the scourge. I think I pulled a hammy. Just what I need. An excuse to have Jaenrubbing my thighs. Damn if I don't feel like a sex crazed maniac around him most nights. We have been so good. He is so patient But I want him to give! I'm tired of waiting. If i truly believe Jaen is my everything I will want him to take it no matter what! Then if the horrible happens. Well...what if I am no good? Or what if I'm too good? I know things. I mean I have -seen- a lot .Orc and troll couplings openly in the streets here and there. On long voyages and more frequently Silvermoon. Add the fact it's hot as hell and people are wearing less and less. He is putty in my hands but i wonder if that's healthy for a relationship? I don't want people referring to him as Elly's lap husband. I want them to say. Here comes Jaen and Elly. What a strong perfectly balanced pair!
And another thing! When you love a person so much but you are surrounded by stiff boring jaded plate jockeys whats the appropriate amount of love to show? Can I kiss him hello? Can I hold his hand. Xyn had been pretty ok with my generous bad mouthing but it wont last forever. So I should prolly work on my manners. I need to show I've grown up. Though sometimes its hard to be a sheep.
