Elly's Journal

I'm falling out of habit again.  So many things have happened.  The Ebonhawk are still posted in the swamps.  And when we are not fighting the enemy we are fighting with each other.  Makes me sick.  Jaen is a constant target.  I bite my tongue so much its starting to bleed.  No respect.  These people used to be my friends.  OK I am being dramatic.  They are still my friends.  Just.  Don't you think if they had any -any- tiny bit of respect for me they would try being nice to my husband?  Or maybe I have finally shed some light and realized that they don't respect me?   And since when have i cared about respect? 

Jaen is changing so fast.  I'm so afraid he is going to grow up and realize he made a mistake with me.  Always doubting.  Why can't I just be happy?  Take my own advice?  Because life is never that simple.  Sometimes I think he avoids me.  Is he afraid -I'm- not going to like who -he- is becoming?  My head hurts so much.

I don't know what to do.  I've completely abandoned the swamp lands,myself.  Since my fight with Calthos I just  need to do something else.  It's not like I'm the only one.  Patrols are getting shorter so people can race home in time for dinner.  What are we?  what are we even doing?????

The only things that make sense to me are my schematics and dig sites.  Facts.  Cold hard facts.  Rich in history and not to mention gold.  I've got more gold then I know what to do with.   And yet Jane still worries about money.  Already forgotten about what I showed him on our honeymoon.  It's OK. I know he has a lot on his mind.

 I have no one to talk to anymore.  Just this book.  And I don't even write in it half as much as the old me would have.  Apparently from re reading this entry I don't know anything anymore.  I need to leave.  My house feels suddenly so confining.  Hard to breath...

(Tears stain the page, writing messier then normal.Mega Emo blah blah)